Wednesday, July 13, 2011

GOD is Good All the Time, Every Time...Believe It!

Christian's hospital bill is over half a million dollars. We have been working with a financial counselor since day three in the hospital trying to come up with ways to tackle this insurmountable amount. Originally, she was trying to cut the price in half...still inconceivable in my mind after looking at all those zeros. On Monday, the financial counselor, said she was presenting our case to a board of charities and going to recommend that we receive MORE than half assistance. I responded with a Great! and clenched teeth smile....because at that moment I truly believed we would pay the hospital off when I died and my family got my insurance money! Are you ready for it????....ONE MONTH OF JACK'S SALARY!! Stunned silence was all this poor women got after working so hard for our family. All I can say is GOD is faithful. I  read my bible and commit to memory all the promises GOD gives me...because at the beginning and in the end, that is all I have. However, during storms, doubt starts to creep in not about HIS existence but about HIS faithfulness and  HIS goodness. That is not the kind of faith I want. I want the faith to say HE is good every time, all the time and believe it. But....
                It has been a very hard road. For those of you who don't know, Christian, is not our first son. Our first born son, is Jackson. Born healthy and perfect. I laid him down for his afternoon nap on February 17th at 5 months 7 days and he never woke up. The coroner listed the cause of death as SIDS, which is fancy terminology for "we have no clue look why a healthy baby dies for no reason." After losing my sunshine, I set forth to rebuild and rewrite relationships and beliefs, from the ground up. I thought my faith had been restore and was more brilliant and stronger  than it was before...only to find another son almost non-responsive in his crib again. I screamed in my head, really?!?!? we are really gonna do this again?!?!? Just trying to acclimate and respond to the demands of having a chronically ill and disabled child seems to be enough. But the fact that my insurance will not cover his recovery (hospital bills, specialists, therapy, and equipment) seems cruel. I look up at GOD and scream INTERVENE....PLEASE! let something work...You promised. But our GOD is not a vending machine. Read the end of Job He will remind you what HE is capable of and that HE answers to no one. From Job 38:4 to 40:2 we may glance a sliver of GOD's mightiness. These are humbling passages, they make me ashamed. The blessing of being able to pay off Christian's hospital bill in my life time makes me ashamed. Because instead of sitting back and trusting GOD, I wrung my hands, fretted, and worried.  I agonize every week whether Christian is going to get the therapy he so urgently needs, it is so critical to his recovery and our insurance will not cover a single physical, occupational, or speech therapy. So people donate their services at a fraction of the cost. I sit and analyze every aspect... will we be able to keep up with the costs even though they are discounted? will so-in-so stop working with c? is this asking too much? when is this good favor going to run out?...I can see GOD looking down at me shaking HIS head saying..."oh yea, of little faith..." He is has never not provided what C has needed, not once. HE is just not providing it  the way I want...with security. If my insurance was not so ___________ (you fill in the blank) then I could call a rehab clinic and say my son needs these services and they would say ok bring him in! Then they would evaluate him and say he needs this, this, and this equipment and then he would get it. Instead God is providing one day at a time, one service at a time, one piece of equipment at a time. I can see HIM smirking at me; saying," Will you choose to believe Who I say I Am, now? "


  1. I love you guys and I know that you know you are much stronger than I am. Stay strong because nothing can bring you you down. Happy bday to baby C! I hope I can meet him and Jilly one day! I'm glad you have your faith! Love you Jilly!

  2. Wow!Tears are pouring out!

    " Will you choose to believe Who I say I Am, now? "

    Praying for C and the entire family!

    Cris Gregory

  3. Just thought I would share some Scriptures that have helped me through some tough times...

    Psalms 55:22- Throw your burden upon Jehovah and he himself will sustain you.

    Phillipians 4:6, 7- Do not be anxious over anything but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving, let your petitions be made known to God and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

    2 Corinthians 1: 3, 4- Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those in any sort of tribulation through the comfort with which we ourselves are being comforted by God.